Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Staying Manly; or, Do as Chuck

Fellas, tell me, do you ever look at your life – the naked Barbies strewn about the living room, the festive flower bed, the box of tampons that falls out of the bathroom cabinet every time you open it – and feel emasculated? Me, too.

Fear not, macho dude. Here are 10 small ways you can retain your sense of manliness every day.

1. Don't shave. I only shave about twice a week, and nothing says macho like a scruffy face. And when you do shave, for Pete's sake, no aftershave, you pansy!
2. Get sweaty. In my case, I work out about five days a week, but some days I'm too busy for that. Solution: Think about how close your 11-year-old daughter is to hitting puberty.
3. Listen to Brad Paisley's "I'm Still a Guy." He's a wise man.
4. Wear a baseball cap backwards. It's like you're in college again, even if you don't realize how big a goober you look like.
5. Get a dog. I like cats, but overexposure will decrease your hormone levels.
6. Watch ESPN. The trick is finding the time between helping with your kid's school project and cleaning up the dog's poop.
7. Slap your wife on her rear. Be sure you have your running shoes on.
8. Read and memorize Chuck Norris facts. A sampling: "The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist." "Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter." "The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears."
9. Watch "Walker: Texas Ranger."
10. Eat gristle. Chuck Norris does.

Today's Redneck Moment: I overheard a conversation about mullet-tossing, and I thought they were talking about chucking long man hair.

2 comments:

Rachel Locke said...

So I'm a slight bit worried about your obsession with Chuck. . .

Brad Locke said...

I'm even more obsessed with you, baby.